Marple Website Community Calendar
Archive => Archived Boards => Miscellaneous => Topic started by: alan@marple on November 30, 2011, 02:05:46 PM
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Following on from the Fish Saga:
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Tommy Cooper
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The M1 was closed yesterday after a truck carrying Marmite overturned.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-south-yorkshire-15933599
(http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-south-yorkshire-15933599)
Police closed both carriageways. I don't know why, as they could have just closed the yeastbound carriageway.
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I went to the Whites the Butcher the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high
Boom Boom
Tommy Cooper
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PC World Technical Support
"Hello, you are through to PC World Technical Support, how can I help you?"
"Hi, It's all gone wrong & I can't find the net."
"OK sir, I'm sure we can help, just take your details, first, what's your name?"
"It's Torres, Fernando Torres"
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My dog has no nose.
How does he smell.
Awfull
Tommy Cooper.......
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Budapest.
Budapest who?
You're nothing Budapest.
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard I know?
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When Jesus was born they said he was in a stable condition.....start the car......
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[attachment deleted by admin]
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Go on to hot uk deals and look for Anthony worrel section it's a scream
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Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting milk, yeast and flour from his local Tesco. He's run out of dough.
Off the internet
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Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting milk, yeast and flour from his local Tesco. He's run out of dough.
Off the internet
I went to see Ready Steady Cook the other day. It was fantastic. Antony Worrall Thompson absolutely stole the show.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed up Worrall Thompson's jacket.
There's no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're using the Worrall Thompson recipe book.
Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheese and wine. And that was only for starters.
Wozza was caught stealing cheese from Tesco. He should have done it more Caerphilly.
I don't care what he's done, I'm still hanging on to my Antony Worrall Thompson blender. Better the Breville you know
Asked how he feels about stealing cheese, Antony Worrall Thompson admits it wasn't very mature.
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Worral Thompson isn't the only celebrity with light fingers - Jonathan Ross was caught stealing a kitchen utensil from Homebase. When questioned, he said that it was a whisk worth taking.
Sorry....
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Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook.
So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?
"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over".
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Post overwritten - Harry (Just thought I'd save the moderators a job)
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A Geordie goes into see his Doctor,
Geardie:Doctor I feel like a coconut.
Doctor:Bounty
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conjunctivitus.com
That's a site for sore eyes.
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More Tommy Cooper
1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat ba**rd!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Our Richard is about 7 foot tall Alan - I'll take the bet up with you on his behalf.... :-)
I went to the Whites the Butcher the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high
Boom Boom
Tommy Cooper