Jokes

[Ali Bee]

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.

2.  Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3.  No one is listening until you fart.

4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10.  If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12.  Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13.  Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.  Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16.  There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19.  We are born naked, wet and hungry and get slapped on our arse ...then things just get worse.

20.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[alan@marple]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
> Tearfully, she explained, > 'It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this
> morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would  even answer
> the phone.' Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront
> the  chemist and demanded  an apology.  Before he could say more than a word or two, the
> chemist  told him, 'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This
> morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
> without breakfast and  hurried out to the car, just to realize that
> I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a
> window to get my keys. 'Then, driving a little too fast, I got a
> speeding ticket. Later, when I was  two streets from the store, I had a flat
> tyre.' 'When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were
> waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting
> on these people. All the time, the darn phone was ringing.' He
> continued, 'Then, I had to break a  bag of coins against the
> till drawer  to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get
> down on my hands and knees to pick  them  up, and the
> phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the
> open  till drawer, which  made me stagger back against a showcase with
> a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.'
> 'Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let  up, and I finally
> got  back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
> rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I
> did was tell her. '
>

[heather]

 whats green and runs round a garden.................................................... a hedge,this is funny when you have had a drink

[Ali Bee]

Haven't trawled back to see if there is a 'jokes section' but how about one? We can tell each other any bad or good jokes that we know  !

So let's begin...

Life before the computer

Memory was something that you lost with age.

An application was for employment.

A programme was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity.

A web was a spider’s home.

A keyboard was a piano.

A mouse pad was a mouse’s home.

A virus was catching the flu.

A 3 ½ floppy was something that you hoped no-one found out about.